How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide by Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay

In "How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide," Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay describe a series of techniques to guide conversations about controversial subjects that may seem unmanageable with some due to deep ideological differences. This book is written as a manual to guide these conversations, first starting with beginner techniques for the first with fundamental techniques, followed by intermediate, advanced and finally master-level conversation tools. 

There were many terms and thought experiments I found extremely provoking in this book. For example, a simple way to start a conversation about a touchy subject is to simply determine what each other thinks makes a "good person." As explained by Jonathan Haidt in his book "The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided by Politics and Religion" and referenced in this book, there are 6 pillars that make up a person's morality. Depending on where you are on the political spectrum one can predict how you weigh each of them. These six pillars are Care/Harm, Fairness/Cheating, Loyalty/Betrayal, Authority/Subversion, Sanctity/Degradation, Liberty/Oppression. People who are politically liberal see themselves prioritize Care/Harm the most as they believe protecting the vulnerable is what makes a person good while the politically conservative believe the most important pillar is Loyalty/Betrayal as they believe protecting their family and community is the most important aspect of a good person. Of course, this is a spectrum with people prioritising different pillars but being able to understand where your discussion partner lies morally can help guide the conversation away from being hostile.

Another important term used often throughout the book is the "Unread Library Effect." Triggering this effect in difficult conversations is arguably the most important aspect. This metaphor simply describes allowing the other person to realize there is a limit to our knowledge. In the context of these types of conversations, acknowledging what we don't know allows for the ability of more effective and empathetic communication. There is a vast "library" of information we have not yet discovered and by listening more we can fill in those gaps of knowledge. Showing humility to your partner allows for explorative dialogue where both parties are willing to learn from each other. This can also help decrease cognitive biases and bridge divides.

 Outsourcing Epistemology refers to people's tendency to form their beliefs through authoritative figures or groups in their lives instead of assessing information and evidence. In other words, people's beliefs are formed due to social and emotional ties instead of a critical evaluation of the available evidence. As identity politics has become rampant, this term is extremely relevant with people often blindly backing their political party. Boghossian and Lindsay encourage people to address their biases and to question the sources of their information.

I read this book side by side with "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie and found many similarities. Above all was the emphasis on listening. Listening to someone to understand them and not just to reply to them allows for a deeper connection and mutual respect to navigate tough issues. The strategic use of questions is also mentioned in both books emphasizing the ability to make a person more open to suggestions or opposing views. Lastly, navigating difficult interactions with minimal confrontation and allowing the other party to change through self-realization. For example, Carnegie describes allowing the other person to save face and then subtly guiding them towards new insights. Boghossian and Lindsay discuss creating an environment where questions are asked gently and the other person is encouraged to come to discoveries on their own.

Highly suggest reading this one and taking notes as you go.

The 7 Fundamentals of good conversation are as followed: 1. Clarity

2. Honesty

3. Open-mindedness

4. Respect

5. Rationality

6. Humility

7. Listening Beginner: The 9 ways to start changing minds 1. Encourage Openness

2. Build Rapport

3. Introduce the scale of Confidence

4. Use the Socratic methods: encourage the other person to think deeply about their own beliefs

5. Epistemic Awareness: how we know what we know and its reliability

6. Acknowledge Uncertainty

7. Stay Calm

8. Use Stories and Analogies

9. Focus on Epistemology: the process of belief formation rather than the beliefs themselves Intermediate: 7 ways to improve your interventions 1. Use Scale Questions: Have them think in degrees of certainty of their claims

2. Paraphrase: shows you're listening

3. Use Mirroring: repeating the last few words of what they have said to encourage elaboration

4. Ask for Evidence

5. Employ the 'Double Down' Technique: ask them to elaborate on extreme statements

6. Recognize and Acknowledge Emotions: validate a person's feelings and show their beliefs may be tied to emotional experiences

7. Use Thought Experiments: create hypothetical scenarios Advanced: Five skills for contentious conversations 1. Complex Questioning: questions designed to gently push the individual to scrutinize their assumptions

2. Reframing the Conversation: open up new avenues for discussion and decrease resistance to alternative viewpoints.

3. Intentional Acknowledgment: explicitly recognize the other person’s emotional state or the strength of their conviction. Lowers defences

4. Strategic Concession: conceding a smaller point can help in advancing the overall discussion while building trust and showing yourself to be open-minded

5. Rapport Anchoring: calling back to earlier points in the conversation where agreement was found can serve as an anchor. Remind of shared ground. Expert: Six skills to engage the closed-minded 1. Targeted Restatements: restating or paraphrasing the other person's arguments back to them in a way that may expose flaws or contradictions in their reasoning without confrontation.2. Fact Checking in Real Time: this can help clarify misunderstandings or incorrect assertions during the conversation but be careful not to come across as confrontational

3. Escalation Control: de-escalate a conversation when tensions rise. Shifting the focus temporarily to more neutral topics to maintain dialogue and prevent shutdowns.

4. Precision Questioning: requires a deep understanding of the topic at hand

5. Advanced Rapport Techniques: mirroring body language, matching tone, and strategically showing vulnerability to create a sense of mutual trust and openness.

6. Discomfort Relief: humour, changing the setting of the conversation, or momentarily shifting the focus away from contentious issues. Master: two keys to conversing with ideologues 1. Understanding their Ideology: You need to understand the person's core clues and assumptions that drive the way they think and behave. After obtaining a deep understanding, it's easier to craft questions that are meaningful within their ideological context that may expose inconsistencies.

2. Building common ground: There are usually universal values or goals that you can agree upon, such as a desire for fairness, well-being, or justice. In other terms, discovering what a "good person" looks like. This will lower defences and allow for a more productive discussion as they see you don't disagree with them in everything they stand for. EXTRA: Rapaport's rules 1. Attempt to re-express your opponent's position so clearly, vividly, and fairly that your opponent says, "Thanks, I wish I’d thought of putting it that way."

2. List any points of agreement (especially if they are not matters of general or widespread agreement).

3. Mention anything you have learned from your opponent.

4. Only then are you permitted to say so much as a word of rebuttal or criticism.